60 Things I am Not Allowed To Do On A Journey
by 101olive4u
Summary: While visiting the town of Bree, the company of Thorin Oakenshield must deal with Fili and Kili breaking every rule Thorin set for them. Pure nonsense, so watch out!
1. 1-8

**Hello everyone! I decided that I would start a story of things Fili and Kili are not supposed to do, but of course break those rules. Told in snippets. I hope you enjoy, and I'm sorry if it is too much nonsense for you.**

**Thanks!  
**

* * *

_1. No matter how necessary it seems, I am not allowed to steal Thorin's sword to impress the ladies of Bree._

Kili grinned. He was a genius. Nothing impresses the ladies more than a nice handsome sword. And Thorin wouldn't notice, he was to busy trading and such. All of that responsible stuff.

Stealing a glance back at his uncle who was engrossed in a conversation with another dwarf, Kili clutched the sword and ran for his life. He sprinted, dodging stalls selling wood, food, vegetables, weapons.

Finally making it far enough away from his uncle, Kili scanned the cobblestone marketplace for what he was looking for.

_Bingo_. He found what he was looking for next to the fruit stand, giggling and clutching one another's arms.

Sauntering over, Kili let the sword swing by his side noticeably.

The dwarf maidens looked up as he approached, eyeing him with interest. He plastered his most charming smile on his face, and to his delight they blushed madly.

Before he could reach his destination, though, a strong hand grasped his shoulder and dragged him the opposite direction.

Kili tried to object, but when he looked up, it was a very angry uncle Thorin. VERY angry. So he shut his mouth obediently.

Thorin passed Fili as he dragged Kili back to the trading post. Fili cocked an eyebrow and smirked at his brother who scowled in reply.

* * *

_2. In reference to rule #1, I cannot steal Gandalf's staff and threaten random people. No matter how fun and amusing it is._

"Don't get on my bad side," Fili warned the young man.

"Oh? And what would you do about it?" The man glared down at Fili, smirking at the height difference.

"We're much more powerful than we seem," Kili added importantly.

Grinning at each other, the two brothers made a show of brandishing a long wooden staff.

"A stick?" The man snorted, "a stick?"

"Oh this is not just a stick, my good sir. This happens to be Gandalf's stick!" Kili said proudly, twirling it impressively.

Fili rolled his eyes and snatched the staff away from his brother. "It is Gandalf's staff," he said, pointing it at the skeptical man.

Five minutes later, Fili and Kili found themselves getting the worst talk of their life by Gandalf, having turned the man into a frog.

"But Gand-alfffff…" Kili droaned. "You should've seen his face! And I'm pretty sure we just invented a new spell!" He exclaimed happily.

Sadly he was met with blank stares. "No?"

* * *

_3. I will not spy on random people, looking for any criminals. No matter how suspicious they look._

"How about that one, Fee?" Kili hissed to his brother. The two dwarves were huddled behind a fruit vendor's stall, watching.

"No…." Fili started. "Too…Jolly looking."

"Well…how about THAT one?"

"Do you really think a fugitive would be a little girl?"

"Little children can be quite wicked and sly…"

"Oh, you'd be one to know."

"Hey! I would not be- Ooh! That one!"

"Now THERE'S a good one!"

"Let's roll!"

Slinking from behind the fruit stand, Fili and Kili stared at the tall dark haired man passing by. Grinning like idiots, the two followed.

* * *

_4. In reference to rule #3, I am not allowed to then interrogate that suspicious person in a dark alley. No matter how dangerous they look._

"Who do you work for?" Kili howled, shaking the man like crazy.

"I-I am not involved in anything!" The man gasped, staring at the brothers like they were crazy. Which, they were.

"That's what they all say," Fili added mysteriously. "But we know better than to trust them."

"Who are you people?" The man cried.

"Just two concerned citizens visiting the fair city of Bree," Fili replied innocently.

"Orcs? Goblins? UNICORNS? Who do you work for?" Kili growled. Then turning to his brother he whispered loudly: "I think he's with the unicorns." Fili nodded seriously.

"Now tell us-what are your troops' plans?"

"I don't know what your talking about!" The man shrieked.

"Oh don't play mind tricks with us! Gandalf has told us many things about the unicorns! And they always baffle the mind before they kill!"

"I don't even know what a unicorn is!" The man howled glaring at Fili.

"Oh save it for Gandalf!"

* * *

_5. I am not allowed to follow Thorin while shouting: _"Make way for the king of Erebor or he'll feed you to his pet dragon Smaug!"_ Or anything near to that. No matter how necessary and realistic it seems._

"Make way for the king of Erebor!" Fili shouted over the crowd, stepping in front of his uncle and swinging his arms madly in attempt of clearing a path.

"Or he'll feed you to his pet dragon…Smaug!" Kili cried gleefully, placing a daisy chain atop the king's head. The two brothers grinned.

Their uncle was not amused.

"Fili, Kili," the king hissed. "Stop it! We are supposed to be blending into Bree. Not drawing attention to ourselves. If you shout that one more time, I will personally throw you back to the Blue Mountain myself!" And with that, Thorin swept ahead, growling to himself. The two brothers followed.

"Make way for the king of Erebor!"

"Or he'll catapult you all the way past the Blue Mountains and into his kingdom-"

"-Where his pet dragon will eat you!"

The king slapped his palm to his forehead.

* * *

_6. I am not allowed to auction off other company members' belongings. No matter how much I need the money._

"Do you think anyone will notice anything missing?" Fili asked his brother worriedly.

"No way! We were much too careful! And with all the money we make, we can just buy them replacements." Kili scoffed.

A crowd had formed at Fili and Kili's stall. "Step on up, folks!" Kili called gleefully. "We have prized artifacts that you will want to get your hands on! What can we get for this lovely quill? Can I hear five silver pennies? Yup! Seven? Eleven? Fifteen? Sold!"

As the auctioning went on, Fili and Kili were too busy to notice that the very angry and annoyed company of Thorin Oakenshield impatiently glaring at them.

* * *

_7. I am not allowed to give the members of the company nicknames. No matter how hard it is to say their real names._

"Hey there A-Dori-ble!" Kili cried, waving madly at Dori.

Dori frowned. "What? A-Dori-ble? What's that?"

"Why it's your new nickname!" Kili replied, grinning.

"We a-Dori you so much, we've taken the liberty to rename you! And it's so hard to say Dori!" Fili added with a matching grin. "Hi Dwaliboo!"

Dwalin choked on his ale and glared at him.

"How ya doin, Biffy? Hello, Bomby! What's happenin', Gloin Cloth? Orio, you've never looked better! Florin Flowershield, darling, how's it going?! Oin to the Gr-"

"Enough!" Thorin bellowed.

Fili and Kili only grinned innocently in reply.

* * *

_8. I am not allowed to organize an 'Orc Drill'. No matter if it is for the welfare of the company._

"Aaaaah!" Fili screamed, charging through the main room of the inn they were staying in where the dwarves were grouped around in.

"Fili! What is it?" Thorin yelled, jumping to his feet with the rest of the dwarves.

"Orc pack!" Fili gasped breathlessly. "They've got Kili already!"

"What?" Gasped Thorin.

"I couldn't do anything! He's-he's gone!" Fili choked out.

Immediately all weapons were drawn. "Where are they?" Dwalin growled.

"They flew out the window on their unicorns!" Fili whimpered, falling to his knees. "They are right outside!"

Without a moment's hesitation, the dwarves charged out of the building. They roared their battle cries, but were met by blank stares of the citizens of Bree.

"Where are they?" Bombur hissed.

"Do orcs really ride unicorns?" Ori asked with wide eyes.

The company froze, frowned, and slowly turned back to the front door of the inn. Fili and Kili were exiting slowly, looking at a minute glass.

"No bad, I must say," Fili said, clearly impressed.

"Yes, only thirteen seconds to get outside! Very nice!" Kili added, then frowned. "Though I would've expected more emotions from everyone. I died. Come on, people!"

"Yes," Fili agreed. "Well, they will have another chance when we practice again tomorrow."

The two brothers were surprised when they were met by glares and rage.

* * *

**And there you have it, mates! I hope that you all like it! Remember, this story is not supposed to be realistic at all, but pure humor and nonsense. If you like it, I'll probably update by next week! If you don't like it, I'll probably update by next week! Thanks so much!**

**Kisses, Olive**

**P.S. Reviews+Favorites+Follows+Puppies= Happy Olive! Make 3/4s of that come true by reviewing, following, and favoriteing! (I know that's not a word, but oh well!) Make me happy! And if you want, you may send me a puppy, then I'll be floating on Cloud Nine! Hmmm...if I get a puppy, what would I name it?**

**Thanks!**


	2. 9-17

**Bonjour, mes cheris! I love you all so much, I have decided to post this chapter a couple of days early! Wow, you guys are amazing! I would thank all of the reviewers personally, but there's too many to name! THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU is all I can say! Here we go! **

**Thanks!**

**P.S. DO NOT READ THIS WHILE DRINKING COFFEE! _Mira Meliandra_ found out the hard way. Sorry, dear!**

* * *

_9. I am not allowed to predict company members' future. No matter how clairvoyant I think I am._

"Stop!" Kili screamed at the company. They all froze and stopped what they were doing to stare at him. "Something is coming to me!"

"Yes…?" Balin asked impatiently. Kili shushed him and screwed his eyes closed, concentrating on whatever he claimed to have seen.

"You!" He screeched, dramatically pointing his finger at Ori. His eyes opened dangerously as he strutted over to the poor trembling Ori.

"I see what will become of you!" Kili cried, flailing his arms around. It was quite unfortunate that Dwalin happened to be right next to him. Kili didn't notice.

"Sssh! I see you as a merman! I see you living in a lake! You have given up being a dwarf to morph into a fishy being!" Kili hollered. "Traitor!" Ori stared at Kili like he had grown another head. He could use another head. Hmmm…

"And you!" He rounded on Bifur. "I see you as a fugitive! You are being held for treason on account of killing Thorin! Yes, you killed Thorin! But no one cared!" Kili cackled madly, darting around the room shouting predictions at the top of his lungs.

"-And I… will become very rich, slay Smaug single-handedly, have twelve wives, and take over Middle Earth!" He finished proudly.

* * *

_10. I will not convince the innocent children of Bree that dear old Bombur eats children for breakfast. No matter if they should be warned. It could happen._

"Listen up, kiddles." Fili called out to the children that had formed a circle around him and Kili. "We are going to let you in on a very secretive piece of information."

The children looked up at him with big eyes. A little hobbit girl with big brown eyes and chocolate curls nodded. "What is it?" She squeaked.

"This may come as a surprise to you," Kili started.

"But dear old Bombur-" Fili added.

"Happens to-"

"Eat-"

"Little-"

"Children."

The kids jumped up, fear in their eyes as they glanced at Bombur who was at the front of the bar, talking with Bofur and Nori. He caught the kids looking and grinned, waving.

The kids screamed. "It's the child-eating-monster!" The little girl screamed as the children fled the pub, screaming all the way.

"Mission accomplished," Fili said approvingly.

* * *

_11. I cannot steal Bofur's flute and attempt to compose a song. The hearing of the company would be at stake._

Fili grinned maliciously. Perfect. Bofur really shouldn't leave his flute lying around like so. Someone could "accidentally" steal it. _(Hint hint, Fili!)_

Walking by the table, Fili made sure no one was looking as he swiftly grabbed the wooden flute.

An hour later, Fili hollered for the company to gather around him. They flocked around the blonde dwarf suspiciously.

"I…." Fili started dramatically, "have composed a song!"

The company groaned, they knew this wouldn't be pretty.

Fili cued Kili who immediately started to toot on Bofur's flute as best he could. Which wasn't much. The company winced as Kili began a jaunty little melody. A very squeaky, high pitched, horrid melody.

"Hmmmm….." Fili got his pitch ready and broke into song.

_The company, of Thorin Oakenshield_

_Has just d-i-e-d_

_Except…_

_For Fili!_

_He couldn't do a thing about it_

_Not one thing…_

_So he watched them die…_

"Wait a minute," Dwalin growled. "What?"

"Shhh!" Fili shushed him dramatically. "Second verse!"

_Ori was eaten by a unicorn_

_Dwalin followed by death of crossing the rubicon_

_Bifur died from another ax_

_Bombur died from some angry orc packs_

_Dori died from poisoned tea_

_Gloin died by an angry bee_

_Oin died from smelling flowers_

_Thorin died from all his powers (And gave them to Fili)_

_Bofur died from inhaling a grape_

_Nori died by a flying crepe _**(Mmmm! Crepes…)**

_Balin died by getting old_

_Gandalf also died by getting old(er)_

_Kili died_

_Fili strived_

"Wait a minute…" Kili frowned. "I die?"

"Sssh!" Fili cried. "Now it's the bridge!"

_What was Fili to do?_

_He didn't have a clue_

_So he did what anyone would do…_

_He threw a huge party and drank ale!_

"Ta daa!" Fili cried, brandishing his arms wide. "It's still a working process, though. I'm still working on the chorus. But I think it will go something like this-"

Fili didn't finish his sentence before Ori tackled him screaming: "A UNICORN?"

* * *

_12. I cannot follow Thorin showering him with daisies. No matter how grumpy he is and needs to lighten up._

Thorin was surprised to feel a soft thunk on his head. He brushed his head off and watched as a daisy fell to the ground. A daisy?

Scowling, the king stomped on the flower and continued his walk to the trading post.

Thorin was surprised when two more flowers hit his head. He shook himself off and madly looked around, scowling and looking for whoever dared shower him with flowers.

He only saw the busy crowd at the marketplace. Nothing suspicious.

Shrugging and thinking he was just imagining things, Thorin continued his walk.

He stopped a final time and yelped in surprise as a SHOWER of daisies rained down on him. At least fifty little flowers with cheery yellow centers.

Thorin was NOT cheery.

Grimacing and spitting at the horrid flowers, Thorin began to madly sneeze.

Behind a lady's skirt, Kili snickered.

* * *

_13. I am not allowed to change my name to "Filius Yertle" and "Kilius Tertle". No matter how plain "Fili" and "Kili" sound._

"Fili, Kili, give us a hand!" Dwalin growled as he carried the barrel of ale over to the table.

Fili and Kili looked around like they had not heard Dwalin. Fili scratched his ear. Kili yawned openly.

"Fili? Kili?" Thorin growled. "Give Dwalin a hand."

Fili coughed. Kili sneezed.

Thorin, growling, got up from the other end of the table and grasped his nephews on their shoulders and shook them. They looked up, pleasantly surprised.

"Hello uncle!" Fili beamed as Kili waved madly, even though his uncle was standing but a few feet away from him. "Did you need us for something? Why are you shaking us?"

Thorin rolled his eyes. "You wouldn't answer to me or Dwalin."

Fili's eyes widened. "But uncle! We didn't hear our names being called! We only heard a 'Fili' and a 'Kili' be called!"

Dwalin, who had let his barrel sit on the table as he listened to the conversation, cocked an eyebrow. "Oh? Are you not Fili or Kili?"

He and Thorin grinned at each other but stopped when Kili shook his head.

"Oh no! Who told you we were called Fili and Kili?"

Thorin snorted. "Your mother?"

Fili grinned maliciously. "Then she was wrong! I am Filius Yertle-"

"And I am Kilius Tertle!" Kili cried, throwing his hands up into the air.

Thorin rolled his eyes again.

* * *

_14. I am not allowed to shout "Praise Mahal!" After everything I say. No matter if he should be recognized._

"Ah what a lovely day!" Fili grinned. "Praise Mahal!"

"Mmmmmmm! I just had a delicious breakfast!" Kili said, smacking his lips. "Praise Mahal!"

"I have a sword! Praise Mahal!"

"I stole Bofur's hat! Praise Mahal!"

"Oh, look! There's Ori! Praise Mahal!"

"I'm alive! Praise Mahal!"

"Balin's sleeping! Praise Mahal!"

"Oooh! Here comes Thorin! Praise Mahal!"

"He looks angry! Praise Mahal!"

"He's chasing us! Praise Mahal-"

Kili didn't have time to finish his sentence before Thorin chased them all over the pub, them screaming "Praise Mahal!" the whole time.

* * *

_15. I am not allowed to "politely search a pot for my identity." No matter if I do it politely. (It's not very polite.)_

"Aaauurghhhhhhh!" Kili screamed, but his cry was muffled… by the pot on his head.

"Hi Kili!" Fili grinned, walking up to his brother. He cocked his head. "Ummmm…nice pot?"

Kili smiled proudly from inside his pot. "Why thank you! I was just politely searching it!"

Fili raised his eyebrow. "Politely searching it?"

"Ummm…Yeah?"

"For what?"

"Er…My identity?"

"Your identity?"

"Yeah. I think I lost it, so I'm looking for it! I think I may have found it!"

"Kili…?"

"Hmmm?"

"Your head is stuck in the pot again, isn't it?"

_(Sigh_) "Yeah."

"Kili! That's the fourth time this week!"

* * *

_16. I am not allowed to ride in a basket down the stairs. No matter how bored I am and how fun it seems._

"Ready?" Fili asked, sitting a ways back in the basket, balancing the weight out.

"You betcha!" Kili cried, grasping the edges of the basket and leaning forward.

"Go!" Fili screamed, pushing off the step with his hands as he and Kili went flying down the stairs in their basket.

"WAHOO! I'M FLYING!"

"UNCLE THORIN! WE'RE FLYING! Uh oh…"

"Uncle Thorin! Get out of the way! Out of the way!"

"Duck! Duck uncle Thor-"

Fili didn't have time before he, Kili, and the basket all crashed into Thorin, sending him flying and the basket skidding out the door, past the spluttering Thorin.

"Sorry, uncle!" Fili cried as he and Kili flew past him, cackling madly. After they flew out the door, the chaos on the streets had just begun.

* * *

_17. Under no circumstances am I allowed to "Accidentally fall down the chimney." You know it wouldn't be an accident._

"Hahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaa!" The company of Thorin Oakenshield jumped and spun around the room, trying to find the source of the guffawing voice.

They turned to the fireplace just in time to see Thorin go flying as Kili flew into him. Thorin had been standing at the fireplace one minute, then the next, he had been headbutted in the stomach by his nephew.

"Hi uncle!" Kili called merrily as he sat atop the king's stomach.

"Kili…" Thorin growled as he struggled to sit up and stare at his nephew.

No sooner, a second voice flew down the chimney as Fili shot out of the fireplace into Dwalin as he cackled madly.

"Hi Dwalin!" Fili cried cheerily as he sat atop the warrior. "What's up?"

* * *

**Taa daaa! Hope you all liked it! Oh, by the way, I was so happy when _ThorinKiliandFili4ever_ sent me a PM Message! Feel free to do that any time you want! I love to hear from you, loveys!  
**

**Ta, Olive**

**P.S. Reviews+Favorites+Followers+Cupcakes=Happy Olive! Make 3/4s of that come true by reviewing, following, and favoriteing! (I know Favoriteing still isn't a word, but oh well!) If you want to make it all come true, I give you permission to send me a cupcake! (Or twenty!)**

**And THANK YOU to wramuney and ACreativeHobbit for considering sending me a puppy! (Or fourteen!)**

**Thanks!**

**Ta**


	3. AUTHORS NOTE! IMPORTANT! DON'T SKIP!

**Sorry to disappoint all you thorough readers, but this is just an author's note!  
Anywho, I just wanted to open up the option for you darlings to send me requests for rules Fili and Kili break! You can send me ideas in a review or PM Message! I love to hear from you and love fresh ideas! You dearies are all so smart and amazing, I'm sure you have beautiful ideas that I can use! (Gee, I hope all this flattery will convince you!)**

**On another note, I just wanted to let you angels know that I am definitely doing more than 60 rules! I am having way too much fun to stop at 60! How many rules do you want? There's a poll on my profile page. Vote! **

**Thanks mates!**

**Ta, Olive**

**P.S. REVIEW!**

**Thanks!**


	4. 18-24

**Hello my lovelies! I love you all so much that I've decided to update EVEN SOONER! (Yay!) I know I've been updating earlier than normal, and I won't any more! I solemnly swear! (Unless you dearies like it, do you want me to update alot? Please tell me!) Anywho, thank you all so much for giving me lovely reviews and ideas! I'm glad to take any ideas! #18 Is courtesy of a Guest. I am grateful for it, so thanks to them! **

* * *

_18. I am not allowed to have a fake duel in the marketplace. No matter how scary and cool it makes dwarves seem._

"Ha ha! Take that!" Fili cried as he took a swipe at Kili. His brother jumped back, an equally mad grin on his face.

"Get back!" Kili hollered, stabbing the air with his sword. Fili pretended to be scared as he fell back and cowered on the ground.

"Oh dear! You have overthrown me!" Fili cried in a falsetto voice, fanning himself.

Kili laughed loudly. "I have won," he stated proudly.

"Not on my watch!" Fili grabbed his brother around the knees, knocking him to the ground. Fili took the opportunity to jump back to his feet and take off sprinting. He dodged between fruit and meat stalls, ducked around people. Fili looked over his shoulder to see his brother scrambling after him.

Fili jumped atop the old stone fountain in the middle of the square, pointing his sword at his brother a level below him.

Kili, not wanting to be one-upped by his brother, jumped on the fountain as well where the two continued their duel.

"Hahahaha…." Kili cried right before he was pushed into the fountain. Fili laughed like mad until he was dragged in as well.

The two sat laughing in the fountain when a dark shadow fell upon them.

Not even looking up, Fili said: "Hi uncle!"

* * *

_19. I am not allowed to record everything the company members say and do. No matter how much I think every move they make should be preserved._

"Hmmmmm….." Fili said, stroking his chin as his other hand held a quill and parchment. "Balin-comes-into-room." He said, scribbling that down.

Balin looks over at him, a bemused expression upon his face.

"Balin-looks-at-Fili-with-odd-expression." Kili adds, writing that down as well.

"Balin-rolls-his-eyes-at-Kili."

"Nori-rolls-his-eyes-at-Fili."

"Bofur-rolls-his-eyes-at-Kili."

"Dwalin-orders-his-fifth-ale."

"Dwalin-shouldn't-be-doing-that."

"Yes. Ori-scratches-his-nose."

"Ori-looks-at-Kili-with-startled-expression."

"Kili-is-handsomest-dwarf-ever-to-have-walked-Middle-Earth."

"Fili-agrees-to-that,-only-adding-he-is-more-handsome."

"Kili-disagrees."

"Fili-agrees."

"Kili-DISAGREES."

"Fili-AGREES."

"Dwalin-Falls-out-of-his-chair."

"Dwalin-should-have-followed-Fili-and-Kili's-advice."

"Dwalin-should-listen-better."

"Thorin-is-getting-up-from-chair."

Thorin-looks-angry."

"Thorin-is-walking-over."

"Thorin-grabs-us-"

Kili didn't have time to finish writing his sentence before Thorin grabbed him and Fili, dragging them away.

* * *

_20. I am not allowed to sit on the roof, "pondering the meaning of life." No matter how hard I ponder._

Kili sighed. He let his feet dangle over the side of the roof.

"Hello up there!" Kili heard a voice coming from the ground below. He swung his feet up and lay on his stomach, leaning over the side. He looked down to see his brother staring back up, one hand shielding the sun from his eyes.

Kili grinned and waved. "Hello!" He called down.

"What are you doing?" Fili asked.

"Hmmm?"

"Er, what are you doing on the roof."

"Um. I'm…pondering!"

"Pondering?"

"Yes!"

"Pondering what, exactly?"

"Er… The meaning…of life!"

"The meaning of life?"

"Yes!"

"Really?"

"Ssssh!"

"What?"

"I'm pondering!"

"Pondering what?"

"The meaning of life! Dah."

"Kili?"

"Ssssh! I'm still pondering!"

"Kili."

"Fine! What?"

"You're stuck on the roof again, aren't you?"

(_Sigh_) "Yes."

"Kili! That's the sixth time this week!"

* * *

_21. I am not allowed to keep Rhosgobel Rabbits as pets. No matter how many times I try to convince Thorin they are perfectly safe and house trained._

"Hello, uncle!" Fili cried as he and Kili sauntered into the room, followed by ten fluffy rabbits.

"Aurgh!" Thorin jumped a mile high when he saw the fluffy little animals.

"What?" Kili asked, clearly confused.

"Fili, why do you have rabbits?" Thorin said, breathing heavily as he glared at his two nephews.

"Why uncle!" Fili gasped, hand shooting to his heart.

"Rabbits?" Kili asked, sounding equally hurt.

"These are no rabbits!" Fili said proudly.

"These are-"

"Rhosgobel Rabbits!"

"Rhosgobel Rabbits?" Asked Thorin shakily.

"Yes!"

"Mister Bird Poop Wizard lent them to us!"

"Why do you want them?" Thorin asked.

"We want to learn to be more responsible!" Kili said proudly. The company, having been listening, snorted at that comment. Kili looked at them with a confused expression, then shrugged.

"Uncle, meet Fluffy,"

"Cutiecicle,"

"Arnold,"

"Angeldiddlybop,"

"Numnum,"

"Woowoodarling,"

"Sweetiepie,"

"Babykins,"

"Necromanceria,"

"And last but not least-"

"-Thorin Jr!"

Thorin's jaw went slack. "What? You named them Fluffy, Cutiecicle, Sweetiepie, Necromaneria? Arnold?"

"Don't forget Babykins!"

"And Woowoodarling!"

"Angeldiddlybop!"

"Numnum!"

"And Thorin Jr!" Fili and Kili sung together.

The two of them barely had time to say another word before Thorin chased them while howling: "THORIN JR? WHAT!?" Fili and Kili laughed their heads off as their uncle chased them out the door, ten fluffy rabbits trailing behind.

* * *

_22. I am not allowed to say everything in sync with my brother. No matter how funny it is to see Dwalin's face._

"Good morning," Fili and Kili cried at the same time as they descended the stairs together.

Dwalin raised an eyebrow. "Good morning yerselves. We have an important day today! Thorin will be talking with an important man. So you two had better stay upstairs until he leaves."

Fili and Kili widened their eyes. "But why, dear Dwalin?" They chorused together, looking hurt.

"I'm pretty sure that you know why!" Dwalin growled.

"Remind us, please!" The brothers said together, both leaning in with their chin in their hands, batting their eyelashes.

Dwalin rolled his eyes. "Alright. Remember the time you two predicted the company members' future?"

"That was only Kili," Fili and Kili rolled their eyes.

Dwalin stared at the pair. "Why are you two saying the same things?"

"We don't know what you are talking about!" They cried crossing their arms.

"Yes you do," Dwalin grumbled.

"Oh Dwalin! You have so much to learn," Fili and Kili said simultaneously, shaking their heads sympathetically.

"Upstairs!" Dwalin roared as Fili and Kili scrambled up the steps snickering.

* * *

_23. I am not allowed to Escape out the upstairs window after Dwalin puts me there under house arrest. (In reference to rule #22) No matter how much I believe I shouldn't be there._

"Alright…ready?"

"Yes."

"Let's go!"

Fili pulled himself onto the windowsill, letting his legs dangle outside. He looked down to see the busy streets of Bree below. Right below him was his target. Perfect.

Giving a last thumbs up to Kili, Fili called out: "Oi Bombur!"

The red haired dwarf looked up to see the blonde prince. "Catch!"

And with that, Fili launched himself out the window and fell on top of Bombur.

"Thanks, pal!" Fili cried, patting Bombur on the head as he got off the spluttering dwarf.

"What was that about?" Bombur cried as he pulled his big self off the ground.

"I, uh, forgot how to unlock the door to my room," Fili lied. "And so SOMEHOW I locked myself in."

Bombur, knowing Fili was lying, shook his head and made a move to walk away but Fili stopped him.

"Wait-Bombur!" He cried. "One last thing!"

"What?" Bombur asked, confusion clear into his voice.

Kili launched himself out of the window and fell on top of Bombur.

"Thanks, pal!" Kili cried, patting Bombur on the head as he got off the, yet again, spluttering dwarf. And with that, triumph in their step, Fili and Kili allowed themselves back into the Prancing Pony.

Bombur got off the ground, grumbling angrily. He smiled when he heard the howling voice of Dwalin yelling at Fili and Kili whom, he expected, were grinning madly.

* * *

_24. I am not allowed to be a table. No matter how much I want to experience it._

Need I say anything more?

* * *

**Ta daaa! How was it? Did you like it? Tell me by reviewing please! And remember, review or send me a PM Message if you have any ideas you want me to use! I have already gotten some lovely ideas from others that I am going to use! Note: If you send me ideas, I WILL use at least one of them, I promise, but they might not appear in the next chapter. They will happen, but not right away. I SOLEMNLY SWEAR! (I say that too much, don't I?) I am so glad you guys like my story so much! I hope you continue to follow it! So please, send me a review! Tell me which rules you like the best, I like to know! I must say my favorites are #19, 20, and 21. What are yours? I love hearing from you darlings!  
****Ta,**

**Olive**

**P.S. Reviews+Follows+Favorites+Teddy Bears=Happy Olive! Make 3/4s of that come true by Reviewing, Following, and Favoriteing! (FOR GOODNESS SAKES, WHY IS FAVORITEING STILL NOT A WORD?!) So... yeah! Oh! And if you want to send me some teddy bears, I would be so grateful! Thanks to _Alicia457_ and _wrmauney_ for considering sending me cupcakes, you guys are so sweet! And to _Scarlet Pimpernel00_ for "sending" me a kitten, that would help me write! Sorry to all you poor loves who aren't familiar with me! I can get a little...er...silly! So... yeah! Help me out! Thanks, cuties!**

**Olive**


	5. 25-31

**Hello everybody! I know I promised you all that I wouldn't publish this next chapter so soon, but I couldn't help it! I didn't have anything to do all this week, so I've been writing! I'll be busier these next weeks so I won't update so fast. Thanks SO much to all of you who have reviewed, it makes me smile every time! As I've promised, some of these rules are fans' ideas. I just did the writing. So #25 is _jesslyoko324_'s idea! Yay! #28 is courtesy of _wrmauney, _and #31 is _jaymzNshed_'s hilarious idea! So a huge round of thank you's to all of you!**

* * *

_25. I am not allowed to put a horn on a horse and call it a unicorn. No matter how much I've always wanted one._

"Hi, uncle!" Kili called out as he ambled into the room, holding a rope. Attached to the rope was a…

"Gah!" Thorin sputtered, falling out of his chair. Dwalin knocked his ale over in surprise, Bofur choked on the food he was eating, Ori took one look at the creature and ran screaming out of the room.

"Yes?" Kili asked, quite confused at what the problem was. He looked up at the creature attached to the end of the rope and grinned. "OH! You mean THIS?"

"What else?" Thorin grumbled.

Kili grinned and pet his pet. "Everyone! Meet Mr Flufferdoodle! He's my unicorn!"

Balin raised his eyebrows. "Unicorns are just a myth, lad. Are you sure Mr Flufferdoodle is a real unicorn?"

Kili laughed nervously. "What," he droaned. "Of course he's real! What, did you think I would unexpectedly steal a horse from a random stable and stick a horn I found in the woods on it? Do you REALLY think I'd do that?" He guffawed loudly.

"Yes, yes you would." Bofur grumbled.

Before Kili could open his mouth to reply, a man burst into the Prancing Pony.

"You," he panted, glaring at Kili. "You stole our horse." He then pointed to Mr Flufferdoodle.

Kili put a hand over his heart. "A HORSE? No, this is a unicorn!" And with that, Kili swung himself onto his so called 'unicorn' and rode away.

"Away, Mr Flufferdoodle, away!" He screamed as the man chased after him.

* * *

_26. I am not allowed to be a spy. No matter how much I've always wanted to be one._

"Dun dun, dun dun, dundun dundun. Dundun, dun dun, dundun dun dun." Fili whispered as he somersaulted across the floor to hide behind another wall. Flipping his hair, he peeked around the wall to check for intruders. None.

"Hmmmm…." Fili said quietly, stroking his chin. Nothing.

Sighing, Fili got up. "Uncle Thorin!" He howled.

Thorin came running into view, panting. "What is it?" He gasped.

"There's no problems here," Fili said importantly. "That's my report for this room."

"Er, that's what you wanted to tell me?" Thorin was confused.

"Yes! Now shoo shoo! I have important business." And with that Fili steered his still baffled uncle out of the room and resumed his mission.

"Dun dun, dunun, dun dun, dundun. Dundun, dun dun, dun dun, dundun." Fili continued his humming as he flipped through the air and out the window. He landed delicately on the street outside and held his arms out, ready for danger.

Fili scanned the street, looking for any harm. He found none.

"Uncle Thorin!" Fili screeched yet again.

His uncle barreled out the door of the inn, sword ready. "Now what is it? Orcs?" He asked, eyes narrowed.

Fili rolled his eyes. "No. There's nothing. No problems. It's suspicious." He narrowed his eyes as well.

Thorin put down his sword and sighed. "Fili, what on earth are you doing? You have been giving me reports on rooms."

"I'm a spy," Fili said, looking at Thorin like he was mad.

Thorin shook his head. "Fili. Just go back inside. Do whatever your brother is doing, he's inside being quiet." Thorin, then realizing how strange it was that Kili was being quiet, knew something bad was probably being done by the equally mischievous brother. With one last look at the Fili, Thorin rushed inside, screaming: "Kili! Whatever you are doing is probably wrong, so stop right this instant!"

Fili, still searching for danger, resumed where he had left off. "Dundun, dun dun, dun dun, dundun. Dun dun, dun dun, dundun, dundun."

* * *

_27. I am not allowed to patrol Bree with Uncle Thorin's sword and Gloin's axe. No matter how much I'm concerned for the citizens._

Bofur raised his eyebrows as he watched Fili and Kili trooped by. Their heads were held high, noses in the air, Gloin's axe and Thorin's sword in their hands, and an air of official.

"Oi, what're you doing, lads?" He called to the two brothers, knowing they were probably up to no good.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we're on duty. No time to talk." Kili said importantly. Bofur snorted, since when was Kili formal and called him sir?

"Oh? And what be your duty?" Bofur asked. "And what kind of duty involves your uncle and master Gloin's sword and axe?"

"We're patrolling Bree!" Fili exclaimed, so happy that he almost dropped Gloin's axe.

"For any unwanted beasts and people!" Kili added.

Not letting Bofur say anything more, the brothers resumed their marching, nodding politely to the people around them.

Bofur snorted again. "I give them five minutes."

* * *

_28. I am not allowed to convince the burglar that in ancient Khuzdul, 'burglar' means 'the one who does the chores and waits on dwarves hand and foot.' No matter how much I HATE doing chores, myself._

"A-Are you sure?" Bilbo asked, eyes wide. Fili and Kili nodded importantly.

"Of course it does, silly! We know Khuzdul, don't we!" Kili said, clapping his hands like a happy child.

"We never had the time to tell you," Fili added. "There was never the perfect moment. But how about now! Kili and I do need our swords polished, you know…"

Bilbo, nodding thoroughly, held out his arms as Fili and Kili gladly deposited their weapons. Bilbo whisked them away, running up the stairs to do his so called 'job.'

Fili and Kili snickered, grinning at one another.

"Fili! Kili! What is going on?" Thorin bellowed a couple of hours later as he descended the stairs. "Our burglar has gone mad-" Thorin abruptly stopped as he noticed that Fili and Kili were sitting at a table with their feet on the table and hot chocolate in hand. Bilbo was running back and forth, giving them shoulder massages.

"Bilbo, why don't you go make Kili, Thorin and I some pancakes?" Fili asked innocently. The hobbit's head bounced up and down as he nodded and ran off into the kitchen.

"What is the meaning of this, lads?" Thorin sighed. "The burglar has plowed through all of our rooms cleaning them and putting flowers in them. What is happening?"

Fili and Kili suddenly looked guilty. "Well you see, uncle," Fili started uncomfortably.

"We may have told dear Bilbo," Kili added.

"That the word 'burglar,'"

"Means 'the one who does the chores and waits on dwarves hand and foot.'"

"Maybe…"

Thorin rolled his eyes but hungrily eyed the pancakes as Bilbo cheerily came into the room with them. Bilbo hoped he was living up to his title.

* * *

_29. I am not allowed to invent a new sport using Thorin's sword and Bombur's muffins. No matter how bored I am and need something to do._

"Batter up!" Kili shrieked as Fili swaggered up to stand parallel with him twenty feet away.

Clutching a muffin in his hand, Kili took a deep breath and chucked the pastry at Fili. Fili saw it coming and swung his uncle's sword to defend himself. The blade didn't chop the muffin in half, but it did boost it a good fifty feet into the air, hitting a window.

It just so happened that the very window the muffin hit was Thorin's. Poking his head out of the window, Thorin scowled down at his nephews who grinned sheepishly. Then noticing his sword in Fili's hand, he he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"I'll give you ten seconds," he shouted to his nephews.

"Thanks, uncle," Kili yelled over his shoulder as he and Fili took off running like the wind. Ten seconds later, a very angry uncle was pursuing them.

* * *

30. I am not allowed to go all 'pacifist' on Thorin. It really won't help.

"Fili! Kili!" Thorin bellowed, knotting his hands into fists and clamping his eyes shut.

"Sssh! Uncle!" Kili cried. "Anger is not the key!"

Thorin stood there, clearly stunned.

"Yes," Fili nodded encouragingly. "Violence is not the answer!"

"Let us all be peaceful and forget the bad times!" Kili threw a pile of daisy petals into the air around Thorin.

"Let us all take a moment to go to our happy place!" Fili said dreamily, shutting his eyes. Kili did the same.

Thorin took the opportunity to grab his nephews by the scruffs of their necks and drag them off.

"Uncle!" Fili howled. "Think of your happy place!"

"I think his happy place was destroyed ages ago," Kili whispered to his brother.

* * *

_31. I am not allowed to tell the tale of how Bifur got the axe stuck in his head. No matter how much I think I know about the matter._

"Once upon a time," Fili began. "There was a unicorn."

"He was a very nice unicorn," Kili added. "With a tale that was black and white."

"Now Bifur the dwarf used to be bald. Accident involving a dragon."

"So he went in search of some new hair."

"His beard was still there, a black and white color."

"So he wanted his new hair to match his old beard."

"So he searched and searched. But he had no luck."

"Finally while he searched the woods,"

"A rainbow appeared."

"The rainbow Bifur through the forest,"

"And to the unicorn!"

"Bifur was amazed to see the resemblance between the unicorn's tail and his beard,"

"So he cut the tail off and put it on his head!"

"The unicorn suddenly woke up!"

"And saw Bifur with it's tail."

"So the friendly unicorn turned into an axe wielding maniac and smacked Bifur with it's axe. But the axe is still in his head. To this very day."

"The end!" Fili and Kili chorused together. The company stared back at them, unsure of what to say or do.

Bifur, on the other hand, looked quite impressed.

* * *

**Well? How was it?! What were your favorites? Mine were probably #25, 26, and 30. What about you? I'd love to know so I can be inspired! Tell me! I have also decided to come up with a...CONTEST! Wahoo! Whoever is my 50th reviewer, they can think up all 7 ideas for a chapter! I'll PM the winner and they can send me their ideas, their ideas will show up in chapter 7! So be my 50th reviewer! But I love you guys all the same!**

**Ta, Olive**

**P.S. Reviews+Follows+Favorites+Ducklings=Happy Olive! Make 3/4s of that come true by reviewing, following, and favoriteing! (Goodness, why isn't favoriteing a word! It should be, am I right?!) So, yeah! Make me happy! Unless you also want to send me a little yellow duckling! I'd be so happy! And THANK YOU to _wrmauney_,_ Alicia457_, _ACreativeHobbit_, and _Scarlet Pimpernel00 _for 'sending' me teddy bears! Thanks! You guys are the greatest! **

**Help me get inspired, send me ideas, or PM me! I love hearing from you! Thanks!**


	6. 32-40

**Hello, everyone! Here I have rules 32-40, I hope you enjoy! Sorry, I would've updated yesterday or the day before, but the Doc Manager wasn't working for me. So I sent a 'polite complaint' to FanFiction Support and they fixed it! Round of applause here, I can't thank them enough! So anywho, I thank everyone who has reviewed, you are all so generous! And just a little reminder, #33 was the wonderful idea of _cherryberryblablabla_ (cool username, don't you agree?!) #37 was that of the brilliant mind of _jaymzNshed. _And lastly, #40 was _DarylDixon'sgirl1985_. And there is a guest star in #36! She's pretty wicked! So on with the story! ;)**

* * *

Chapter 5

* * *

_32. I am not allowed to steal the thing from the kitchen marked 'Keep away from Fili and Kili at all costs.' (Sugar) It really isn't good for me._

"Hmmm, hmmm…" Fili was intrigued as he spotted the heavily padlocked box with a note on it. "Keep away from Fili and Kili at all costs…." He mused. "That sounds promising…"

So Fili, with a new treasure in his hands, set off to find his brother, practically leaping out of the kitchen and up the stairs.

Fifteen minutes later…

"Mwaaa hahahahahahaha…." A certain blonde dwarf cackled as he cartwheeled into the room. "I looooooooooooooove off-limit things!"

"Never have truer words been spoken!" Kili screamed as he somersaulted in behind his brother. "I feel like king of the mountain!"

"I'm pretty sure that's my job," a voice spoke from above Kili. He stopped his gymnastics and flopped onto his back, giggling madly.

"Howdy, uncle! You know, can I call you Uncie Thorthor? It fits you better. Uncie Thorthor? Are you alright? You're sort of blurry and shaking…"

Thorin stared down at his nephew. He was not shaking, Kili was.

Fili, Fili on the other hand was still on his feet. Not really. The blond prince was flipping around the room. He jumped on to a table and started to do a jaunty little jig. His brother had lifted himself off the floor and leapt up beside his brother. The two then proceeded to play Patty-Cake.

Thorin stared at the chaos and slowly backed out of the room, not wanting to be part of it. He knew that they had found the sugar and ran off to find a more secure place for the weapon.

* * *

_33. I am not allowed to start my meal by licking all the food on my plate and then announcing to everyone that its so no one can steal any of it. Need I even explain it?_

Kili carefully picked up a piece of meat from his plate and licked it. He did the same with his vegetables, one by one. Finally, he settled on his biscuits and licked those too.

Satisfied with his handiwork, Kili got up on his chair.

"Hem hem!" He called out to the room. The dwarves and men stopped their eating to look up at him. "I just wanted to let you all know that you shouldn't steal my food! I licked it all so its my property!"

The Company returned to their eating, already used to Kili's strange antics. Fili looked thoughtfully at his plate.

"Do you mean if I lick it, its mine?" He asked his brother who had rejoined the table.

* * *

_34. In reference to rule #5, I am not allowed to go around shouting 'Make way for the King of Erebor or he'll feed you to his army of unicorns!' It really isn't necessary, no matter how much it seems._

"Make way for the king of Erebor!" Fili cried, spinning around on his heel to face his uncle and give a dramatic bow.

"Or he'll feed you to his army of unicorns!" Kili added, leaping around his uncle in a circle, arms held high like a dancer.

Thorin, clearly annoyed, dragged the two away as people began to stare. "You two!" He hissed. "Stop drawing attention to us! No one should know that I'm the king of Erebor, for now I'm just a lowly dwarf. And if I ever hear you two shout that again, I will personally have Gandalf send you all the way across Middle Earth until you learn to behave!"

And with that, the king stomped away. Fili and Kili looked at each other, shrugged, and followed.

"Make way for this lowly dwarf!"

"Or he'll smack you with Gandalf's stick-"

"On your bum-"

"And send you away!"

"To his Unicorn Island!"

"Until you learn to make way for him!"

"It's nothing personal!"

Thorin let it pass this time. He started to ponder the benefits of an army of unicorns…

* * *

_35. I am not allowed to talk about things that don't exist. I should already know that._

"Mwahahaha! Unicorns will take over the world!" Kili screamed. "Just wait until I get an army of unicorns! I'll take over Middle Earth someday! Yaaaaaaaaaaaa!" (**1****)**

Thorin rolled his eyes. "Kili, unicorns don't exist. Stop talking about them."

* * *

"I am off to search for the Legendary Jackalope! Wish me luck!" Fili said jauntily as he waved to the company and started out the door. (**2**)

Thorin grabbed him by the collar of his jacked and dragged him back inside.

"There is no such thing as a Legendary Jackalope," Thorin grumbled. "You don't need to search for one."

* * *

"How is your Xilophinolocogohus Symptom, uncle?" Fili asked, concern in his voice.

"Xilophinawhatta?" Thorin grumbled, then he rolled his eyes. "Fili, be serious. There's no such thing as…whatever you said."

* * *

"Has anyone seen my sanity?" Kili asked nervously. "I can't seem to find it!"

Thorin, who happened to be walking by, snorted. "I told you, Kili! You aren't aloud to talk about things that don't exist!"

* * *

"So, uncle! How's your love life going?" Fili asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

Thorin looked up and rolled his eyes.

Kili turned to his brother and rolled his eyes as well. "Oh, Fili. Hasn't uncle taught you anything?! You aren't supposed to talk about things that don't exist."

* * *

_36. I am not allowed to find random girls on the street and ask them to join the company. No matter how cute and insane they are… _(**3**)

"Hiya uncle!" Kili beamed as he and his brother moseyed into the room.

"We found a new company member!" Fili added as he stared at the girl who followed them.

"Sup, my compadres! What's crack-a-lackin' and booty-smackin'?!" The girl cried in an obnoxious voice. She dramatically flipped her sandy blonde hair and widened her snappish green eyes.

"NEW COMPANY MEMBER?" Thorin bellowed as he stared at the girl.

"You betcha!" She cried. "The name's Hannah, don't wear it out!" Hannah stuck her hand out, and cocked her head when the king refused to take it.

"We promised Han that she could stay with us!" Fili cried.

"And she has friends!" Kili added, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Yes, but none of them are as gorgeous, hot, or FREAKIN' BEAUTIFUL as me!" Hannah said, twirling on her heel and smiling charmingly.

"Fili! No! Bad! Wrong!" Thorin spluttered.

"Spaghetti! Nachos! Cucumber!" Hannah yelled. When she was met with blank stares, she shrugged. "Don't ask me, ask Grumpy over there!"

"Grumpy?" Thorin growled, stomping over to the girl.

"Uncle!" Fili complained.

"Fili…" Kili warned.

"Zelda!" Hannah screamed. Again, everyone stopped to look at her.

Thorin dragged Fili and Kili off. Hannah could hear him yelling about not talking to strangers. She shrugged. "Is Grumpy always this…grumpy?"

Balin sighed. "Afraid so, lassie."

Hannah turned to him and her smile widened. "Ooh! Doc!" Balin stared.

"W-what are you talking about?" The shy Ori stuttered.

Hannah spun around to face him and grinned slyly. "What was that, Bashful?"

"Lassie, I think you're talking nonsense," Bofur said cheerily.

Hannah nodded. "I think you're right, Happy." (**4**)

* * *

_37. I am not allowed to steal Gandalf's hat and then tell him that I only stole it to accompany his stick. It felt lonely. I really shouldn't go through his things._

"Hem hem!" Fili called. "I am here!"

The company glanced up and gawked at the blonde prince. For their on his head was a certain gray pointed hat…

"Where did you find that?" Gandalf cried, hands shooting up to his head. For there, just moments ago, was where that very hat was resting.

"Ummm….someone on the street?" Fili said, unsure of an excuse.

"Fili…" Gandalf's voice became dangerously low and stern.

"Get back! I'm armed!" Fili cried, brandishing a wand from his sword sheath. "Gandalf's stick is quite dangerous-oh, wait. You are Gandalf. Oopsie!"

"Hem hem," Gandalf frowned. "Give them both back. Why did you steal my possessions?"

Fili let his big blue eyes widen. "Gaaan-dallllllf! I didn't steal! I only borrowed your stick!"

"And what about my hat?" The gray wizard huffed.

"Um….the stick was lonly without the hat?"

* * *

_38. I am not allowed to steal Thorin's sword and throw it in the lake, claiming it wanted freedom. No matter how strongly I feel about letting things be free._

"Swim free, my little darling!" Kili cried as he hurled his uncle's sword into the lake. Satisfied with his handiwork, Kili merrily skipped off.

Fifteen minutes later…

"Kili! Where's my sword?"

"Why uncle!" Kili put a hand over his heart. "Why do you come to ask me?"

Thorin snorted. "Because I knew you did it."

Kili scrunched up his nose. "How did you know? Who told you?"

"You did."

"...OH! I get it! Smart move, uncle!"

"Mmm hmmm…"

"Yeah."

"Kili…"

"What…"

"Where's my sword?!"

Kili laughed nervously. "Hehe… Funny story, you see…"

* * *

_39. I am not allowed to 'wonder why a potato is called a potato.' No matter how interesting I think the matter is._

"Grrrr….." Kili cried as he tried to untangle his pant leg from the branch of the tree. It wasn't working.

"Hello! There you are!" A voice called. Kili tried his best to look up for the voice calling him, but it was hard. Judging by the fact that he was dangling off the ground. Upside down.

"Errr….what are you doing?" Fili asked his brother, clearly bemused.

"I'm wondering," Kili said matter-of-factly.

"Wondering what," Fili laughed.

Kili froze. He hadn't gotten that far. "Um…."

"Yes?"

"I've been wondering…"

"Yes…?"

"Why a potato...is called a potato!" There we go.

"Really?"

"Yupper."

"And why are you hanging upside down? From a tree?"

"It, uh, helps me think?"

"Kili?"

"What? I'm quite busy wondering over here!"

"You're stuck in the tree again, aren't you?"

(Sigh) "You know it."

"Kili! That's the third time this week!"

* * *

_40. I am not allowed to repeat whatever my dear uncle says. He really doesn't enjoy it as much as I do._

"Good morning, men," Thorin grumbled. He staggered down the stairs and sat at the table occupying his nephews and some other company members.

"Good morning, men," Fili and Kili chorused.

Thorin cocked an eyebrow at the duo, but didn't complain. "I don't know what you two are up to, but I know its not good."

"I know its not good," Fili and Kili replied.

Thorin's eyebrows rose even higher. "What are you doing?"

"What're you doing?"

"Stop it!"

"Stop it!"

"Fili…"

"Fili."

"Kili…"

"Mr Handsome Dwarf…"

"Hey, that's not what I said!"

"That's not what I said."

"Darn."

"Darn."

"Fine…uh…oh what a beautiful morning!"

"Oh what a beautiful morning!"

"I want pancakes."

"I want PANCAKES!"

"Uncle Thorin is the best."

"Uncle Thorin is the best!"

"Hmmm…. I could get used to this, ya know…"

"Score!"

"Wait...what…?"

"Wait what?"

"Oh."

* * *

**And there you have it! So here are some things you should know...**

(**1**) **: I directly quote "_Mwahahaha! Unicorns will take over the world!_" From _jesslyoko324_! That girl is wicked! I love her!**

(**2**) **: Legendary Jackalope, huh? Do I sense some foreshadowing?! You know it...**

(**3**) **: Who is this random OC, you may be asking yourself...Guess what?! She's not random at all! Hannah is the lovely character from _BrazilianLOTRFan_'s story _Supernatural Pools_! She lent Hannah to me so she could guest star! How did you like this blonde character? Check out Esmerelda's story _Supernatural Pools_! It's the best story I have ever seen! REVIEW IT PLEASE! A personal favor to me!**

(**4**) **: Did you like my use on the names for the company members? Those are the Seven Dwarves' names from Snow White! **

**So, anywho, I just wanted to really thank you all for reviewing my story, I couldn't ask for anything more! (Except maybe a koala bear, it was my birthday a couple of weeks ago, you know?) So I just wanted to say that the next chapter will be all ideas from _Dreamer4life16_'s fabulous mind! She was my 50th reviewer, and I thank her so! And remember, whoever is my 100th reviewer, shall get a whole chapter of their ideas! So look for the next chapter! It'll be fan made! Thanks to one and all! **

**Ta, Olive**

**P.S. I decided not to give y'all an equation about favorites and follows and reviews today, I think you get the message! But you can still do all of those things for me to make me happy! And THANK YOU to _Alicia457,_ and_ Scarlet Pimpernel00 _for sending me some ducklings! I love you both! Also, thanks to everyone who told me their favorite rules, I love to hear from y'all! My favorites were #34, 35, 36, and 38. What were yours? I love hearing your thoughts! And if you have any ingenious rule ideas, I'm happy to see them! This is probably the longest Author's Note I've ever written, but I hope that's okay with all of you. Thanks for everyone who takes the time to read all of it!**


	7. 41-47

**Hello everybody! Sorry it took me awhile to update, I was sort of busy. But anyway, here I am! So rules 41-47! Wowza! Just to let you know, this is my fanmade chapter! _Dreamer4life16, _my 50th reviewer, made all of these ideas up and I wrote them! So here you all go!**

* * *

41._ I am not allowed to steal food from fellow company members and then scream 'My precious!" whenever they try to take it back. No matter how much I love food._

"Muffin…" Kili sighed wistfully as he stared at Bombur's pile of muffins. The red headed dwarf himself was busy stuffing other foods into his large mouth.

Not wanting to be left hungry, Kili swiped one of the tasty muffins away from Bombur. "Mmmmm…" He said slyly.

Bombur glared at him and tried to take the pastry back.

"Noooooooooooo! My precious!" Kili hissed as he hid the muffin. "_Preciousssssssss_!"

Bilbo, sitting next to Kili, stared at him with wide eyes and scooted his chair as far away as possible.

* * *

_42. I am not allowed to arrange a marriage for my dear uncle. No matter how much I've wanted to be the flower girl._

"Come along, uncle!" Fili crowed as he dragged his uncle down the aisle. Literally. Thorin Oakenshield was tied up with ropes binding his hands and feet. He was not happy, not happy at all.

"Mmmmmph! Grrrrmmmmmphh!" The king grumbled.

"Don't worry! The bride is lovely! She'll worship you and never defy you! I can promise you that!" Fili beamed.

"Mmmmmmph! Mmgrmummmmmmmmph!"

"Don't say that! And on your wedding day! Shame on you, uncle!"

"Mmmph."

"Don't get testy with me!"

"Mmr ggr!"

"Here we are!" Fili had finally finished dragging his uncle down the aisle. Kili came down next, sprinkling flowers everywhere. He was beaming, positively enjoying it too much.

Finally, a quite unhappy Bilbo Baggins came, leading a potted plant in a wedding veil with him. As soon as they had made it to the 'alter,' Bilbo set the plant down and scurried away.

An even unhappier and quite skeptical Balin came out. "Dearly beloved," he sighed. "We are gathered here today…"

The groom really hated his nephews.

* * *

_43. I am not allowed to steal the company members' belongings and hide (bury) them in the woods. No matter how ambitious I am!_

"Hmmmm…I've already gotten this far…" Kili said to himself as he stared at the belongings in front of him. "And it would be SUCH a bother to return them all…"

Fifteen minutes later…

"Kili….!" Thorin roared as he charged into the room, eyes wild.

"Yes, uncle?" Kili asked sweetly.

"Where's my sword?!"

"Uncle!" Kili gasped. "Why do you ask me?!"

Thorin crossed his arms. "Remember the last time when you threw my sword into the lake, claiming it wanted freedom?"

"Yes…?"

"Well I think this is alot like that."

"Well…This time it wasn't just you!"

Before Thorin could answer, shouts were heard from downstairs.

"What! Where's my axe?!"

"My journal!"

"Nooooo! Not my staff! Again!"

"My prized tea pot!"

"KILI….!"

An even angrier Thorin turned back to yell at Kili, only to discover that he was gone.

Kili, having escaped through the window, ran as fast as he could to the woods to try to find where he buried everything. Too bad he didn't know where…

* * *

_44. I am not allowed to put sleeping powder in Dwalin's ale._

Dwalin fell over.

Fili and Kili snickered, anticipating what they could do to him.

* * *

_45. I am not allowed to try and woo trolls into letting me go. (After I got myself in trouble with them, of course.)_

"Hello, fellas!" Fili called cheerfully, red in the face. Of course, he was being roasted over a fire and all…

"What does 'e want?" One of the trolls, Fili nicknamed Dumpy, called out.

"I dunno," Ugly sneered.

"Shut your trap, dwarf," the last one barked. Fili decided to name him Thorin II.

"No need to be rude," Fili huffed. The trolls only glared at him and roasted him faster.

"I, uh, just wanted to say that you are so impressive! Do you fight?" Fili asked, now getting more worried.

"Well we-" Dumpy started but was cut off when Thorin II conked him on the head.

"Umm. How are you all?" Fili decided to try again.

"Fine!" Dumpy sang.

"Meh." Ugly shrugged.

"Hungry," Thorin II bared his teeth.

"Huh," Fili laughed nervously. "Is it just me, or is it hot out here? Maybe we should put this fire out, you know that overheating is very bad!"

Thorin II gave him a look that automatically made him shut his mouth.

So Fili tried again. "If you're happy and you know it clap your han-"

"Shut your mouth!" Thorin II roared.

And so it went this way for a couple of hours until Thorin II finally was so sick of hearing Fili, he let the dwarf go.

* * *

_46. In reference to rule # 44, I am not allowed to braid Dwalin's beard. Or make him girly in any way. It's an unfair advantage that he's sleeping._

"Beautiful," Fili grinned as he sat back, pleased with his handiwork.

"We are good," Kili sighed as he stared at his work of art.

After a couple wistful moments, Dwalin started to wake up. He was surprised to see the troublesome brothers staring at him. They leapt up as he sat up.

"Oh, Mister Dwalin!" Fili cried nervously. "We didn't know you were awake!"

"Yes! We were, uh, cleaning your room for you!" Kili stuttered.

"Bye!" Fili added as he dragged his brother out of the room.

Dwalin frowned. The room looked exactly as it did the last time he had checked. And since when did Fili and Kili _clean_ anything? That would be a first. And why did his beard feel heavier…?

Dwalin gasped as he looked at himself in the mirror on the inn's wall. His lips seemed to be dyed a bright pink and there was purple on his eyelids. His beard was braided and there were flowers woven into it. His mohawk was combed down and there was a bow on top of his head. But to top all…there was a huge bow on his sword.

"FILI…..KILI…..!"

* * *

_47. I am not allowed to bake for my uncle and put special ingredients in it. No matter how much I want to surprise him._

"Don't worry, uncle!" Fili cried as he directed Thorin into a chair. "A cook from the kitchen helped us and gave us the recipe!"

"Honest!" Kili added, staring at his uncle with big brown eyes.

Thorin glared hesitantly at his nephews but somehow let himself nod.

Grinning, Kili whisked into the kitchen and brought back a plate with a tart on it.

"Go ahead, uncle! Try it!" Fili encouraged.

Thorin stared at the tart. It didn't look actually that bad. Surprise…

"And you're sure you got PROFESSIONAL help?" The king asked warily. The two bobbed their heads up and down. So the king cut off a small piece with his fork and put it in his mouth….

And the thing exploded, leaving three charred dwarves, one of them not happy. Not happy at all.

* * *

**Ta da! Round of applause for Dreamer4life16! She had amazing ideas! Wow! And don't forget, if you are my 100th reviewer, you get a whole chapter worth of ideas for me to write! Have fun! And tell me, what were your favorites? Mine were 42, 43, and 45. How about you? Love to hear from you all! And send me ideas! You inspire greatness!  
Ta, Olive**

**P.S. The whole review and favorite process+chocolate=Happy Olive! Want to make that come true? Thanks! **

**Love y'all!**


	8. 48-57

**Hello, darlings! I'm so sorry I haven't updated in almost a month! I've just been enjoying the weather, Minnesota's now out of the polar vortex! I'm so happy! Anyway, sorry for the delay, but here I am once again! Anywho, on with the story! I've got some rules that were requested and I wrote them! So, #48 has a guest star in it, #53 was thought of by _huntressofartemis101, _#54 was thought up by _fee, _#55 was inspired from _LionQueen, _#56 was from the mind of _starrobin88, _and lastly, #57 was by _MH Cynogriffon_! I thank all of them! Also, I know that #52 was an idea given to me, but I totally forgot who! Its driving me insane since I can't remember who and I want to thank and recognize them! Anywho, on with the chap!**

Chapter 8

* * *

_48. I am not allowed to fall in love with random girls on the street that are too good for me. No matter how amazingly beautiful they are._

Kili jauntily skipped through the marketplace checking out all the ladies…..When he was supposed to be buying his uncle something or other.

Kili walked past a food stand without interest. Then slowly backed up to it again. For there, making pancakes and laughing with Bombur, was a girl. Hubba hubba.

He watched with awe as the girl with pale skin and black hair flipped a pancake onto a man's plate. Suddenly convincing himself that he was hungry, Kili swaggered up to the stand.

"Hello there, is it hot out here or is just you?" He asked the girl flirtatiously.

"Nope, I think its just you," she replied, her grey eyes never meeting his brown ones.

Kili raised an eyebrow, it was never this hard to win a beautiful girl. Ever. What had happened.

"Kili," Bombur scolded. "Leave Lea alone, she has a job to do. And so do I, shoo!"

Kili pulled Bombur from out of his food stand. "May I work for you, Bombur? Just for a little while? Take your lunch shift!" Bombur looked unconvinced.

Kili sighed. Desperate times called for desperate measures. "Bombur! Fetch!" He cried as he threw a pastry. Bombur tore off his apron and ran after the sweet.

"I'll be back in awhile, Lea!" He called.

"So…...Lea, is it?" Kili asked as he sidled up to her.

"Yes," she said as she moved away from him. "Will that be with or without eggs, sir?"

Kili plucked the order out of her hands. "I'll make it!" Lea looked at him unconvinced. "I will!"

"So…..Come here often?" He asked as he rummaged around for flour.

"I work here." She replied.

"Do you have a boyfriend?"

"No and I hope I won't."

"Do you love me?"

"Meh."

"I love you."

"Good for you."

"You're the apple of my eye." Holds up an apple.

"Thanks. *crunch*"

"You are the most beautiful things I have ever seen!"

"THING?"

"Hehe…..run away with me."

"EEEK!"

"Is that a yes?!"

"NO YOUR PANCAKES ARE BURNING!"

Kili shrieked like a girl as his pancakes caught on fire. He waved them around in the pan and hurled them away…..where they happened to land on the face of the returning Bombur.

"Hehe….Got to go! Love you!"

"Move on, dude. Just go."

* * *

_49. I am not allowed to try to be smart. No matter how amazingly cool I think it would be._

"Hem hem," Fili cleared his throat haughtily as he grasped a book. The company looked up and snorted. For there stood the blonde dwarf wearing a pair of spectacles he 'borrowed' from Balin.

"Fili, what are you doing" Thorin chuckled. "You have perfect vision."

"Smart people wear them," he replied.

"Yes-so why are you wearing them?" Dwalin snickered.

Fili pompously stuck his nose in the air and harrumphed. "I'll have you know, my dear comrades, this rubbish you are producing is maddening." They stared at him, mouths agape.

"Fili," Thorin said nervously, "what is wrong with you?"

"Balderdash," Fili scoffed. "Nothing is the matter with me, you must be mistaken. Now if you'll excuse me, I must go and read my book on plants of Middle Earth."

As Fili left, the company stared at one another in horror. "Does he even know what he's saying?" Balin finally asked. "Those words were pretty advanced for him."

"I know," Thorin agreed. "He's never been this... _smart_!"

The company all froze and looked at one another. "Smart?"

Ori screamed Balin fainted, Dwalin knocked over his ale, Nori choked on his food, Thorin mumbled over and over to himself: "This can't be happening….."

"What is wrong with the world?!" Dori screamed.

* * *

_50. I am not allowed to try to make conversation with Gandalf._

"'Ello, Gandalf!" Kili cried as he spotted the wizard sitting in the corner of the Prancing Pony. He looked up, bemused, but waved as the dwarf came over.

"Hello, Kili. And how are you today?" Gandalf asked.

"Okay. I only got yelled at six times by Thorin and three times by Dwalin!" Kili grinned as if that was an accomplishment. Which it was. For him.

"Er, okay?"

"Yes!"

"Hmmmm."

"So Gandalf…...how's life?"

Gandalf looked surprised. "Are you referring to my life or all life?"

"Huh? Oh, er yours?"

"It is well."

"Do you like wine?"

"Er, I suppose?"

"Ponies?"

"I prefer horses."

"How many fingers am I holding up?"

"Six?"

"Haha, the thumb doesn't count!"

*Sigh* "Alright then…."

"Do you like waffles?"

"Er, yes I like waffles."

"Do you like pancakes?"

"Why yes, I like pancakes."

"Do you like french toast?"

"Yes, I like french toast."

"What's your name?"

"? Gandalf."

"What's the color of the sky?"

"Blue, I suppose."

"What's the opposite of down?"

"Up?"

"Gandalf blew up! Hahaha!"

"..."

"Awww, come on! It was funny Gandy!

"Don't call me that."

"Can I borrow your staff?"

"Hasn't your brother already done that?"

"Yeah?"

"Hmmmmmm…..maybe…"

"Really?"

"No."

"Can I wear your hat?"

"Hmmmmmmm…...maybe….."

"Really?"

"NO."

"Oh. Can I-"

"KILI."

"Right…"

* * *

_51. I am not allowed to make promises. Especially if I can't fulfill them._

"Of course we can grant you a spot in our company!" Kili beamed at the man.

"Just talk to our Uncle Thorin!" Fili added importantly.

* * *

"Yes, Bombur can be your personal chef," Fili told the little hobbit boy.

"Just talk to our Uncle, he'll work out the details," added Kili.

* * *

"Yes, I promise that my uncle will marry you!" Kili cried happily to the excited dwarf woman.

"Just talk to him, he'll bode very quickly!" Fili beamed.

* * *

"Well, I suppose that we can lend you some money…"Fili said thoughtfully to the man.

"Just talk to Thorin, he will sort out the details." Kili said.

* * *

"Yes, our uncle would LOVE to buy all of your swords!" Kili exclaimed to the bouncing storekeeper

"Just talk to him, and he'll pay you PRONTO!" Fili grinned.

* * *

Many promises later…..

"FILI….KILI…..!" Thorin roared.

* * *

_52. I am not allowed to search for the Legendary Jackalope. No matter how much I think I can find it._

"Good luck, brother," Kili said tearfully as he shook hands with Fili. "Make us proud!"

"I won't let you down," Fili said confidently as he swung his pack over his shoulder. "I will find the Jackalope and bring it back!"

"I believe in you!" Kili howled as his brother hopped up onto a pony and rode away.

Fifteen minutes later…

"Kili, where's your brother?" Thorin asked suspiciously.

"Making us proud!" Kili exclaimed.

* * *

_53. I am not allowed to stuff Oin's ear trumpet with cotton balls. No matter how funny and amusing I think it would be._

"Hello Oin!" Thorin called as he walked up to the dwarf with the ear trumpet.

"Eh? What was that?" Oin grumbled.

"How are you?"

"Eh?"

"Can you hear me?" Thorin asked suspiciously.

"I've never been there, but it sounds lovely."

"What?"

"Eh?"

"Is there something wrong with your ear?"

"Meh, they are nice, but I meself prefer rabbits."

"Can you hear me?"

"Yes, waffles are nice."

"Can you hear me?!"

"Pancakes too."

"What is wrong?"

"How dare you? And in public too…..tsk tsk."

"What?"

"Eh?"

Behind the bar, Fili and Kili snickered.

* * *

_54. I am not allowed to drink ale. Especially since its me._

"Hiya, Dwaliboo!" Fili slurred as he stumbled over to Dwalin, a bottle in his hand.

Dwalin scowled at him. "I thought we agreed for your safety that you'd stop calling me that."

Fili went cross eyed and laughed. "Your hair is lovely. I wish mine looked like thaaaaaaat."

Dwalin raised his eyebrows. "Are you drunk, lad?"

"Huh? Oh, I don't thiinnnnnnnnnnk so. I just found this bottle lying around. And there were six more like it." Fili giggled.

Dwalin rolled his eyes. "You are drunk."

"Whaaaaaaaaaat? No, not meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

"Yes, yes you."

"Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"Yes."

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"

"Yes."

"I will ride, I will fly, chase the wind and touch the sky!" Fili cried as he pranced around.

Thorin walked in and watched his nephew in horror. Dwalin shrugged.

"Drunk." He said.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaat?! Not meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

* * *

_55. I am not allowed to make my brother lose his nonexistent beard. No matter how lovely it is to laugh at his bare face._

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY LIFE IS RUINED!" A scream could be heard from upstairs. The company looked up, shrugged, and went back to talking with one another.

They were interrupted a couple of minutes later by a horrified Kili running down the stairs.

"My beard!" He howled as he covered his bare chin.

Thorin shrugged. "There wasn't much there, anyway."

Kili glared at his uncle. "But its GONE!"

Fili swaggered down the stairs and stopped in front of the company. He faked horror. "KILI! What happened to your beard?"

"Its gone," Kili sobbed.

"But how did it happen?" Fili put a finger to his chin to 'think'. "It almost looked like SOMEBODY put hair removal on your chin last night around eleven….But WHO would do that?!"

Kili, finally getting it, screamed. He chased his laughing brother out the door.

* * *

_56. I am not allowed to scream 'it' is coming while my brother jumps from the balcony, howling 'I am fire, I am death."_

"ITS COMING!" Kili screamed, standing atop the fountain in the market square. As people turned to him, he pointed dramatically to the Prancing Pony. Fili stood atop a balcony, dressed all in black.

"I AM FIRE!" File cried. "I AM DEATH!" And with that, an eagle appeared and Fili jumped upon it, circling over the town of Bree.

People ran around screaming as 'Smaug' flew above them.

"COME AND GET ME!" Fili screamed. "WHERE IS THE PATHETIC THORIN? I AM WAITING FOR HIM!"

Thorin, who had just happened to be walking out of the Prancing Pony, looked up surprised. He saw his nephew on an eagle screaming things about death.

"FILI?" He howled. "WHAT IS HAPPENING?"

"My eagle!" Gandalf cried, upset. Eagles were HIS thing.

* * *

_57. I am not allowed to make a list of why elves are better than dwarves. Uncle will never look at me the same._

**_WHY ELVES ARE BETTER THAN DWARVES: A LIST COMPOSED BY FILI AND MR HANDSOME DWARF! (Kili)_**

**_1. THEY LIVE IN A KINGDOM SURROUNDED BY SPIDERS. They could invent a new game with riding spiders, it would be amazing._**

**_2. THEY ALL RIDE ELK AND MOOSE. I mean, how amazing would that be?! Ponies are gettin' old over here!_**

**_3. THEIR KING HAS FROSTY EYEBROWS! OUR king only has normal eyebrows. Lame._**

**_4. THEY HAVE HOT FEMALES. Meow!_**

**_5. THEIR DUNGEONS ARE WAY COOLER. Hmmmmmmmm, wonder what kind of torture devices they have…_**

**_6. THEY SHOOT BOW AND ARROWS! Kili would finally fit in._**

**_7. THEY ARE ALL BLONDE. Fili would finally fit in._**

**_8. THEY HAVE PLENTY OF ALCOHOL. Yay!_**

**_9. THEY DON'T HAVE A DRAGON OCCUPYING THEIR KINGDOM. That is convenient._**

**_10. And the most important one, THEIR HAIR STAYS PERFECT WHILE THEY FIGHT! I mean, they can go all "I whip my hair back and forth! I whip my hair back and forth!"_**

Fili and Kili waited expectantly at their uncle. He slowly met their eyes, one by one.

"FILI, KILI! HOW DARE YOU! ELVES?"

* * *

**Ta daa! How was it? Did you like it? There were more rules because I haven't updated in awhile and needed to repay y'all! Oh, and I forgot! #48's guest star was Lea, another character from _BrazilianLOTRFan'_s story Supernatural Pools! Esme lent me another one of her characters and I made a rule! Check out her story, its the funniest thing I've ever read!**

**Anywho, what were your favorites? Mine would have to be #48, 50, 53, 54, and 56! I enjoy writing all of them, though! What were yours? I love hearing from you! **

**And if you have the time, I'd love to get a review from you containing a rule, or anything! Or you could PM me! I love writing this story because I get to know so many new people! I thank you all!**

**Today I'm not giving you an equation. I really want to thank every single person who's taken the time to read my story. It's such an honor to think that people like it! I love hearing from everyone, getting favorites and follows, and PMs. So today if I could, I'm giving everyone a big hug and a blueberry cheesecake! I love to bake, and its National Blueberry Cheesecake Day! Happy Blueberry Cheesecake Day to everyone! **

**I love you all so much! Kisses! 3**


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